There's a deep secret that lies within me that I've never officially been diagnosed with and that's social anxiety/phobia. Whatever you want to call it, the symptoms are real. I think it really started when I was young. I have always been shy and quiet. Always wanted to cry when I had to do a oral presentation or a skit or play. I have always been anxious especially as a kid and now as a grown up it hasn't changed much. I'm still the type to keep to myself. I am still shy, still hate attention regardless who it's from (yes, even from my hubs who I'll explain later on) and will go out of my way to just avoid it at all costs. As I got older I was able to control it better. I was out partying, hung out with tons of friends, was able to start a convo, felt more at ease with myself. Then kids came into the picture. Once I started staying home with my children it manifested into this huge monster of a problem. I became introverted again. I would be asked by my hubs to attend this or that and would get really uncomfortable just at the THOUGHT of having to talk to people! You see, my hubs is the complete opposite of me..He's annoyingly social, loves to meet new people, loves to try new things, loves to flit his social butterfly wings everywhere...It's annoying. It makes me moody, uncomfortable that he would push me to go beyond my limits. I swear it is in his life goals: "to make wife as social as possible." It upsets me, it makes me feel subpar, forgettable because no matter how much I voice it, he never listens. He insists on pushing me to that limit. I want to strangle him half of the time! I've been known to cry it out just to release the stress and anxieties that come along with the inadequate social skills I have. I feel helpless, anxious, scared, uneasy. Those are pretty strong adjectives I think! I'm not making this up but pushing me to the limits is counterproductive in my opinion as well. I don't even know if I even has a point to this blog post but I felt I had to just voice it. It feels more real to me anyways now that I have ya know? Sigh...
I noticed I have been exceptionally tired this week...I think it has everything to do with my youngest son suddenly being a pain in the night where he'll cry and cry and whine until I pick him up. I am tired and haven't been sleeping well since my oldest son started at a new school. My anxiety levels are high during the day when he's gone, my anxiety levels are high when I'm sleeping because of the fear my youngest will cry and whine again. I hate naps, yet I am taking naps to survive. How to find time to blog about this boggles my mind. I think I need that nap now just thinking about how tired I really am...sigh..
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